The Lord has dealt so tenderly with my heart this morning. As I wrote in my journal - which is also a form of prayer for me - I wrote these words:
I'm jealous they get to hug their mom and sit with their mom. They get to talk to their mom and laugh with their mom. They get to miss their mom and then fulfill that longing with seeing her. I only get to miss my mom.
After I vented my feelings, I then asked Him to help me:
Father, I need you to work in my heart. I need you to go before me. I need you to fight for me - for my mind and my heart. Help me to be thankful.
And then "for some reason" this verse was recalled to my mind:
"The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup."
I love to read commentaries and go deeper in my study of Scripture. My favorite website for doing this is found HERE. I can type in any verse in the search bar, and choose from a list of commentaries on the right side of the screen. And let me tell you, today's study rocked my heart.
As I am struggling with feelings of jealousy of what others have - their moms - the Lord spoke to me so graciously and tenderly. The commentary for Psalm 16:5 from the New John Gill Exposition is absolutely beautiful. I cannot write it any better myself, so here is an excerpt from it:
Speaking of PORTION:
"This is said by Christ as a priest, and in allusion to the
Levitical priests, who had no inheritance in the land of Canaan with
their brethren, but the Lord was their part and portion, and their
inheritance, (Numbers 18:20) (Deuteronomy 18:1,2) ; and it expresses the strong love
and affection Christ had for the Lord as his God, the delight and
pleasure he had in him, and the satisfaction he had in the enjoyment of
him and communion with him, and that it was his meat and drink to serve
him, and to do his will."
Speaking of CUP:
"And assigns to me my cup, as of blessings, so of sorrows and
sufferings, which being measured out, filled up, and put into his hand
by his Father, he freely took it, (John 18:11)"
As I read those words I began to think of the Levites and how they were given no physical inheritance as the rest of the tribes of Israel were given. Instead, they were simply, but beautifully, told that the Lord was to be their inheritance. The Lord would provide for them. The Lord would be enough for them. I mean, really, how awesome and how marvelous is that?! But then I thought, I wonder if they were ever jealous of the other tribes? I'm sure they would have loved to have their own plot of land to call their own. Even Jesus himself said, "The foxes have holes and the birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head." - again this picture of no physical inheritance. But God was their portion.
It is so easy to look around and notice the things we don't have and to be jealous. We all long for something we don't have. For the Levites, I'm sure there were times when they wanted their own physical inheritance. And for me, it just so happens to be my mom. But just as the Lord told the Levites in Numbers 18:20, "You shall have no inheritance in their land, neither shall you have any portion among them. I am your portion and your inheritance among the people of Israel." I feel Him telling me the same thing. "Jordan, even though you no longer have your mom physically with you, I am your portion."
When there is a hole in our heart of something we long for, that is the very place where God meets us and says, "I am your portion. Don't look at what I have given to others. This is the allotment I have given you, and I am enough to fill the places where you feel empty."
The author of Psalm 73 is a man named Asaph. When he looked around at the world, he became envious of the prosperity of the wicked. But he then reminded himself in verse 26:
"My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever."
God is enough. He wants to fill the empty places.
Also in Lamentations, the author begins chapter 3 with these words, "I am the man who has seen affliction under the rod of his wrath..." And then he reminds himself:
But this I call to mind,
and therefore I have hope:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
"The Lord is my portion," says my soul,
"therefore I will hope in him."
There are so many examples in Scripture of people who had the opportunity to be jealous and to feel short-changed by looking around at the prosperity of others. And to each of those individuals the Lord always reminded them that "I am your portion."
And today, the Lord has so graciously reminded me...
"I AM YOUR PORTION."
And God wants to say that to every single one of us! In the very place where we find ourselves saying, "I wish I had ____this____," we can hear Him say right back to us, "I am your portion."
"This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."
Hi, Jordan - I lost my Mom in June 2012 and I still have such a hard time finding myself feeling envious of others that still have their Moms. It is so hard to see the grandmothers at our children's events, or hear my friends talk about their Mom. It just makes me ache. Similiar to you, my Mom was my best friend and we were so very close. It's been incredibly difficult to handle her loss, but I know she is in Heaven and I know that what you said in this post is true...The Lord IS our portion and we have to remember that. Thank you for posting this, it really helped me. I am so sorry for your loss of your precious Mom. I will keep you in my prayers. Just wanted you to know that your posts are helping me, even a year and a half after losing my Mom. Thank you for sharing all that you do.ReplyDelete
Carrie, I'm also sorry to hear about your loss. I know we will never get over losing them. Sometimes it seems like I'm the only one without my mom, but I find comfort in knowing that I am not alone. And yes, The Lord IS our portion! So thankful for this Truth!Delete
Jordan, my mom has been gone for just over 6 years. I have had to fight not to be jealous of others who have their moms still and struggle with trying not to be angry when it seems they don't appreciate the fact their mom is still here...The Lord has had to work continuously on my heart because I miss my mom so deeply and she died very unexpectedly and young...But when it comes down to it, I would never ask her to come back and be in pain again for the world...I just wanted you to know you are truly not alone (although I'm sure you know this) and I will continue to pray for your sweet family!!! Love from New MexicoReplyDelete
Just as I shared with Carrie in the comment above, it is comforting to know that I am not alone in this, although a lot of times this road feels so desolate and lonely. I hate that any of us have to be in the "I Lost My Mom" club, but thankful to have each other even though we all live hundreds and thousands of miles away and have never met - there is still comfort in knowing that we are not alone. Thank you for you prayers!Delete
Hi Jordan, I found your blog through Kelly's Korner, and I just wanted to let you know what an inspiration you are. Your faith is really inspiring to me. I have been dealing with my own jealousies lately, and the words you posted really spoke to me. Thank you for sharing.ReplyDelete
Amy, thanks for sharing. Trusting that the Lord will continue to reveal to you that HE is your portion! It's a tough, but oh so good, lesson to learn! And I still have a loooooong way to go in learning this same lesson.Delete
My mom has been gone for five years as of last week. A friend of mine read your blog and sent it my way. Thanks so much for sharing a great reminder that God brought my way right in the middle of a time that I've been missing her so much.ReplyDelete
Thankful the Lord used this at just the right time for you. God is so good like that! Thanks for sharing.Delete
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