What If He Doesn't

I don't have any updates on Lucy yet. Our next ultrasound will be next Friday, August 19th at UAMS in Little Rock. We are specifically praying that God will heal her heart and that we will see a miracle at that appointment and the doctors will be utterly confused and amazed!

As we have had more time to process Lucy's diagnosis, I find myself, for the most part, having peace and fully trusting God and His healing power. But I would by lying if I said paralyzing fear never creeps in. It is a daily battle. And some days, it has been a losing battle on my end.

This waiting period is so difficult. It's hard not to let my mind wonder to the moment when she is born and let all the scary, potential outcomes play out. I so desperately long for our baby girl to be born fully healed with a heart that functions at 100%. I believe God can do it.

My biggest fear is, "What if He doesn't?"

This is my biggest fear because this is the road I've been walking since December 2013 - when my family and I entered into the "What if He doesn't?" When we prayed and prayed and begged for healing for my mom from cancer. We knew He could do it. But He didn't.

My walk with the Lord has been a struggle ever since. Yes, as time has gone on, the day-to-day has gotten, I guess, "easier." But I still struggle with lies straight from the stupid enemy.

I would say that, yes, for the most part my heart has continued to heal. Truth prevails more than the lies. I know God is good. I know God is faithful. I believe and I proclaim that He works all things together for our good and for His glory. I know He loves me. I know He hasn't forgotten about me.

But sometimes, those truths are still so hard to proclaim. This road I have been walking without my mom still knocks the breath out of me at times. I still collapse on the floor (literally) at times and sob from missing her so painfully and so deeply. I'm not through the fire yet.

So this fear of "What if He doesn't" has the potential to absolutely cripple me.

I want God to show Himself powerful. I want Him to show that He is still in the business of miracles and healing. And I want this so badly because I fear for myself how I will respond if He doesn't.

I'm already so weary. So broken and tired. And to find myself in a place of praying for another miracle has the potential to open so many wounds (and at times it does open those wounds).

I cry out to God as His daughter. I beg Him to look upon me with mercy and compassion. To relent from this fire. I beg and I plead with Him to give me and my family rest from trials as He did for Jehoshaphat in 2 Chronicles 20:30 - "So the realm of Jehoshaphat was quiet, for his God gave him rest all around." He IS a good, good Father. He delights in blessing His children with good.

This may be a silly example, but just as I begged and begged and begged my parents to get me a puppy when I was 12. Even the fallen, sinful humans that they are, they gave me the puppy I so desired. I come to God in this same way. I beg and I beg and I beg Him, as His daughter, to heal my baby girl's heart. He is good - so far beyond what we can think or imagine. He is good. Oh, how I plead with Him to please heal Lucy's heart. This is our desire.

Please, as you continue to pray for healing for Lucy's heart, I ask you to pray for my heart as well. For strength each and every single day. For God to calm my fears. To rest in Him. To not let my thoughts wonder into tomorrow, but to stay in today.

Thank you for your prayers.