Monday, June 16, 2014

Broken Cisterns

I had a much-needed meeting with Jesus on Saturday. I have been struggling trying to figure out how to balance so many emotions. I finally admitted that anger is still one of them, along with frustration and confusion among other happy and joyful ones as well. I'm telling you, it's a very wide range of emotions that I sort through and push away every single day.

Sometimes, well, most of the time, I feel like a mess. I don't even know what to do with myself. And since I don't know what to do with myself, I guess I've somehow reached a place of thinking that God probably doesn't know how to handle me either. So I've just kind of been.... scraping by.

Each morning I sit down to eat breakfast and read my Bible. I read for as long as it takes me to finish eating, and then I go get ready. I utter a quick prayer as I drive to work. But for the most part, I guess I've been depending on myself a lot.

But Saturday morning, I felt like the Lord revealed to me that I have forsaken Him. I didn't really do it consciously. I have just been so overwhelmed with all my thoughts and emotions that I guess I subconsciously buried them and kept putting one foot in front of the other.

For my people have committed two evils:
they have forsaken me,
the fountain of living waters,
and hewed out cisterns for themselves,
broken cisterns that can hold no water.
Jeremiah 2:13

This verse screamed at me. I honestly don't even know what cisterns I've created or turned to, but I know that they are empty. I've been parched and dehydrated for far too long. How have I turned from the fountain of living waters? It seems so silly. God alone is our Living Water, readily available to us at all times. But for some reason, we choose to weary ourselves and create our own cisterns... that can't even hold any water. It would be like someone offering us this massive endless buffet of yummy goodness, but then we choose to microwave a Hot Pocket and eat the cardboard sleeve. Like... what?!

Return, faithless Israel,
declares the Lord.
I will not look on you in anger,
for I am merciful,
declares the Lord;
I will not be angry forever.
Only acknowledge your guilt,
that you rebelled against the Lord you God
and scattered your favors among
foreigners under every green tree,
and that you have not obeyed my voice,
declares the Lord.
Return, O faithless children,
declares the Lord;
for I am your master;
I will take you, one from a city
and two from a family,
and I will bring you to Zion.
Jeremiah 3:12-14

All I needed to do was return and repent, which is sometimes the hardest thing to do. But I had to trust His word, that He is merciful, and that He will not look on me in anger. So I put my pride aside, which really was such a dumb pride... it was the pride of thinking I was too much of a mess, that I had too wide a variety of emotions and thoughts for Him to handle.

But I got on my knees and I cried out to Him. I asked Him to forgive me. I told Him every emotion I was wrestling with. I told Him that I have no idea how to handle it all and that I desperately need His help.

I don't say any of this to highlight myself at all. Honestly, I'm still a mess, and there is no reason to look at me. Really, I write this for my own processing and remembering. But my prayer is that maybe you needed to be reminded of God's mercy today. Maybe you needed to know it's okay to be a mess, but don't let yourself think that your mess is too big for God to handle. Stop burying all those crazy emotions that make you feel like a monster. Stop dehydrating yourself. Turn back to God. He alone is the Living Water. Throw away your Hot Pocket sleeve and come back to the buffet!

Put away your pride and ask for His forgiveness and help. It really is that simple.

"This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."

2 comments:

  1. Oh, Jordan, I have tears in my eyes. This is so heart wrenching and beautiful at the same time. I had so, so many struggles dealing with my Mom's death and I was 56 years old (5 1/2 years ago) when she died and unlike your Mom, she went quickly due to a massive stroke. I can truthfully say that it took me 5 years to finally get a gripe on my grief and it took my going to a Christian counselor who led me through to the other side. It is so freeing now and I pray that for you in the months ahead. HE is faithful and HE will see you through and it definitely sounds like you are on the right track. Blessings!

    ReplyDelete
  2. While I can't begin to imagine what you're going through, I have been through my own grief after one of my daughters was diagnosed with a chronic illness. Two years later, I still struggle. So thankful I serve a God that continues to forgive me and welcome me back with open arms. Continuing to pray for you.

    ReplyDelete