As this 6-month mark has been approaching, I haven't had a lot of time to process or grieve. The past two days I have worked over 12-hour days getting ready to leave for youth camp. We leave tomorrow, and I fully expect another 12-hour work day again today.
But as I sit here this morning, I can't help but think about her. I can't help but think how strange it is that I haven't heard her voice or hugged in her 6 whole months. It just doesn't seem right. So much has happened since she has been gone. There are days when I think I might be okay, and then there are days when I literally feel like I can't breathe.
I had one of those can't-breathe type of days just this past Monday as I sat and read through my old journal about my last few days with her. I wrote down every detail I could - how I loved just staring at her, how much I cherished the life in side of her, every breath she breathed was so precious to me, the time I put my head on her knee and she played with my hair and for that moment everything felt okay, the conversation we had as I laid in her bed with her, the things she told me - she was thankful I have David and she told me to take good care of Tony.
As I read these things, I broke. It all felt so real to me again. It seemed like it was all just yesterday when we received the news that her cancer was terminal. When we found out she only had a couple weeks left. I remember driving down the road listening to "Oceans" and realizing God was calling us out upon the waters where my feet would most definitely fail.
And now here we are, six months later. As I wrote in my journal this morning, which is also a form of prayer for me, for some reason I just began thanking the Lord for the good things. For the grace and the strength He has given me on this road. For remembering that I am but dust. For His love and forgiveness - I've needed a lot of these two things lately. And I thanked Him for all the people in my life who love me so much. He really has blessed me these past six months.
But even in the blessings, there is still so much pain. So much heartache. So much missing her. It still hurts. Even more than the day she left us.
My mom. My best friend. I love you, and I wish you were here with us now more than ever. To hug you again. To share with you all that is happening in my life. To hear your voice and to see you smile.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know, Mom, how much I love you
You'll always be my sunshine today.
"This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."