Sunday, June 8, 2014

Allowing Myself to Process

I met with my counselor this past week. I hadn't been in probably about a month because I just kept forgetting to pick up the phone and schedule an appointment... oops! It was great to meet with her again. She encouraged me to make sure I am still writing in a journal and/or blogging to be sure I am still processing all my thoughts and emotions.

Looking back over the past month or so, I can see that I haven't done a good job of continuing to allow myself to process and to grieve appropriately. Grief is such a strange thing to work through. There's no "right" or "wrong" way to do it, although there is a healthy and unhealthy way. And I'm not sure where I land in those terms.

It's been over 5 months now, and it's so hard to describe how I feel and what I think. I'm pretty sure I've been pushing aside sad thoughts and emotions though. It's not fun being sad. It's not fun missing your mom. It's not fun knowing that my desire to see her will never be filled this side of heaven. I don't like to dwell on those things.

In a relatively recent post I talked about how the daily routine of life seems more "normal" now. And while it seems a little more normal, it's easier to not be sad all the time. But the fact that it's a little easier to not be sad all the time makes it harder to allow myself to be sad sometimes. Which is not good. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to miss her. I will always miss her. I just hate that the missing brings pain.

But I do....
I miss her voice
I miss spending time with her
I'm sad that she didn't get to ask me to go with her to buy flowers with her this year
I miss her hugs and her hands
I miss being able to call someone "Mom"
And not just any someone obviously....just her
I miss her wisdom
I miss her words of encouragement and her prayers
I miss the sense of security I had when I was with her
I miss being in her shadow
I miss being able to sit and stare at her (which sounds creepy, but I really would just stare at her and think about how wonderful and beautiful she is and how much I love her and want to be like her)

I do sometimes find myself thinking I wonder what we would be doing today if she were here right now. How would my day look different? I wonder how many more pedicures we would have gotten together by now. I wonder how many walks we would have gone on. I wonder how many times we would have done this or that...

How do you type out a gut-wrenching, frustrated sigh??? Oh, I miss her.

5 months seems so long, but at the same time it's gone by so fast. How has it already almost been half a year? But how has it only been half a year? It seems like just yesterday she got diagnosed, but it also seems like an eternity since she's been gone.

Oh, my sweet Momma, I miss you. I miss you so much. I love you with all my heart. You truly are my sunshine.

"This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."

15 comments:

  1. Bless your precious heart! Yes, grief is different for everyone but it is so, so important to grieve and I'm so glad you are allowing yourself to do so. And, so glad you have a counselor to walk with you through this time. You remind me so much of your Mom in your writing and there's no doubt that she was so proud to be your Momma. Blessings abundant to you as you "go forth."

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  2. I followed your mom's mom and prayed for her and have been following yours. Never did I imagine I would feel your emotions so soon. i am only 27 and just lost my husband in a tragic accident. This week would we our 4th anniversary. I am still so lost and have so much denial. I picked up a journal today for the first time and it was so hard to bring my emotions to life. Thank you for sharing and reminding me I'm not alone in these feelings. I would really appreciate your prayers!

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    1. Jennifer, I am so sorry for your loss and cannot begin to imagine it. I found your blog and read the two posts on it from last September. You spoke of your trials and God's comfort and grace being used to help others. May it continue to be so as He shows you His way through all of this. I am praying for you.

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    2. Jennifer, I am so sorry. Words truly aren't enough. I pray that God will comfort you in a way that only He can. I pray that He will be nearer to you than ever before. Don't look a moment ahead. Stay in each moment and allow God's grace to carry you through those moments. He promises His grace will be sufficient. When tomorrow comes, His grace will be there. Do your best to breathe in His grace moment by moment. Prayers for you.

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  3. My mom passed away, rather suddenly, in August of last year. I have so many of the same feelings as you. Most days, I don't think I will ever recover. It's comforting to read your blog...thank you.

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    1. I'm sorry to hear of your sudden loss. God's grace truly is the only thing to get us through. One day at a time. One moment at a time.

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  4. Two years ago I remember standing by my car in the nursing home parking lot and thinking, 'This is my last Mother's Day as a daughter'. Mom went home a few weeks later and I still miss her so very much. Sometimes I am angry that she isn't here but then I realize I lost her a long time ago - as she just seemed to give up on life. My memories still remain of how devoted she was to her Lord, her children, and friends. Take care and know that eternity is SO much longer than the time you got to spend with her here on earth. Some daughters cannot say that you know.

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    1. Yes that is so true. I am also so thankful to have had the Mom I had. I would much rather have had her for that short 25 years, than a lifetime with anything less. We are both blessed, Becky! And yes, I so look forward to eternity!!

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  5. I've been wondering how you are:)

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    1. Hoping to be a little more consistent with my posts! Oops! :)

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  6. I have been missing your posts .. praying !

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    1. Thank you! Hoping to do better about updating! :)

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  7. Jordan I miss my sister ever day. I'm so glad that i was able to be in the academy since she died. I believe God put me here to heal me but I still miss her. Next Friday I will graduate n become a State Trooper. But its bitter sweet because I know that longest best friend will not be there to share the occasion with me. I sit n my dorms tonight with tears coming down my face because I still miss. I know with time it will get easier but right now it just seems all to fresh. Your mom was and is very proud of you. I'm looking forward to seeing what God is going to do with you and David. Luv u bunches

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    1. Thank you, Uncle David. I so wish she was still here, for so many reasons obviously. She would be so proud to see you graduate! Tony and I will be there :) I'm also excited to see what the Lord has planned for you in this new season. Love you!!

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