I met with my counselor this past week. I hadn't been in probably about a month because I just kept forgetting to pick up the phone and schedule an appointment... oops! It was great to meet with her again. She encouraged me to make sure I am still writing in a journal and/or blogging to be sure I am still processing all my thoughts and emotions.
Looking back over the past month or so, I can see that I haven't done a good job of continuing to allow myself to process and to grieve appropriately. Grief is such a strange thing to work through. There's no "right" or "wrong" way to do it, although there is a healthy and unhealthy way. And I'm not sure where I land in those terms.
It's been over 5 months now, and it's so hard to describe how I feel and what I think. I'm pretty sure I've been pushing aside sad thoughts and emotions though. It's not fun being sad. It's not fun missing your mom. It's not fun knowing that my desire to see her will never be filled this side of heaven. I don't like to dwell on those things.
In a relatively recent post I talked about how the daily routine of life seems more "normal" now. And while it seems a little more normal, it's easier to not be sad all the time. But the fact that it's a little easier to not be sad all the time makes it harder to allow myself to be sad sometimes. Which is not good. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to miss her. I will always miss her. I just hate that the missing brings pain.
But I do....
I miss her voice
I miss spending time with her
I'm sad that she didn't get to ask me to go with her to buy flowers with her this year
I miss her hugs and her hands
I miss being able to call someone "Mom"
And not just any someone obviously....just her
I miss her wisdom
I miss her words of encouragement and her prayers
I miss the sense of security I had when I was with her
I miss being in her shadow
I miss being able to sit and stare at her (which sounds creepy, but I really would just stare at her and think about how wonderful and beautiful she is and how much I love her and want to be like her)
I do sometimes find myself thinking I wonder what we would be doing today if she were here right now. How would my day look different? I wonder how many more pedicures we would have gotten together by now. I wonder how many walks we would have gone on. I wonder how many times we would have done this or that...
How do you type out a gut-wrenching, frustrated sigh??? Oh, I miss her.
5 months seems so long, but at the same time it's gone by so fast. How has it already almost been half a year? But how has it only been half a year? It seems like just yesterday she got diagnosed, but it also seems like an eternity since she's been gone.
Oh, my sweet Momma, I miss you. I miss you so much. I love you with all my heart. You truly are my sunshine.
"This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."