Friday, January 17, 2014

I Will Always Miss Her

Oh man, too bad I can't title another post "Roller Coaster"... If I did, I'm sure I would have another 100 posts with this same title, because I've taken a sharp turn since my last post. Reality... really... stinks.

We had our first youth service this past Wednesday night. The last time we all met together was back in December - we were out for 2 weeks because of the holidays, but on top of that we've had a ton of snow and ice, so it seems like forever since we've been together like this. It was really great to finally be back with all our students. The first Wednesday of every month we have an event called FUEL - we bring in a band and a speaker every month. Our speaker for the past two years has been ED NEWTON, and he has become like family to us! I'm going to put a little plug out there for him - and this is totally free. If you are looking for someone to speak at an upcoming event, Ed is your guy! He is very engaging and so full of the Holy Spirit and Scripture. Book Ed. Seriously.

At Fuel this month, we talked about the "Reality of Heaven" because of recent events happening with my mom. We played the first half of her memorial video again. I had a harder time watching it at Fuel than I did at her Celebration Service. Something about hearing her spoken of in past tense from a stage in front of hundreds of people, makes all this more real. More real and yet so wrong feeling. Hearing the words, "Janet went to be with the Lord on December 26th," to me is like What?! No! That's not really her you're talking about.

So Wednesday (although really good and such a blessing to hear even more how my mom has impacted other peoples' lives) was like a catalyst for this terrible reality to sink in more.

She
Is
Gone.

I'm only 25 years old. In one sense it's like yes, I'm an adult. I am married. I have a job. I pay bills. I cook, and I clean my house (which really isn't my house, but we're living in it for a couple years like long-term house sitting and a huge blessing - I'll have to get into that at another time), I have a budget, I do laundry for two people... I do all these things that adults do. But then in another sense...

I am only 25.

If I live the average life span, I could easily have another 50 years ahead of me. I've only lived maybe a third of my life, and the rest will be without my mom. This isn't just a short season for me.

This
is
the
rest
of
my
life.

Missing someone is a terrible feeling. It's like this constant aching feeling in your heart that can only be filled with seeing that very person. I think about when my husband and I first started dating. We lived 4 hours away from each other, and at times it felt like he was on the other side of the world. I hated telling him goodbye each time he had to go back to school. I missed him. But I always had the hope that I would see him in two weeks. Sure enough, two weeks would pass, and that longing to see him was fulfilled. And then I would miss him again. And then I would see him again - longing fulfilled. I think everyone can relate to this feeling. We've all missed someone in our lifetime whether that be a best friend, your boyfriend or girlfriend, your family, a pet, anyone. And when you finally get to see that person again, it's like an explosion of joy and you get fueled up a little bit until the next time you get to see them. A boost to keep you going.

But now I have this feeling of missing my mom. This aching feeling that can only be filled with seeing her again. And when I realize that I am only 25, and she has only been gone for 3 weeks,
50 years feels absolutely and completely unbearable. None of this short term waiting. No explosion of joy to fuel me up until I see her again. No boost to keep me going.

 
That longing to see her will never be fulfilled so long as I am on this earth. I will always miss her. Yes, I know, "It will get better with time," "It won't hurt so much." Great. But nothing will ever change the fact that I will always miss her. Right now it feels like a gaping wound in my heart that keeps getting ripped further and further open. Gruesome, I know. But it's how I feel.

I even think about back to when I so longed to get married and meet "the one." Struggling with singleness and loneliness. But I always had hope that God would bring me my husband and that longing would be fulfilled. But how do you bear with a longing that you know will not be fulfilled so long as you are on this earth???
I want to see my mom.
I want to hug my mom.
I want to pick up my phone and call her.
I want to laugh with my mom again.
Knowing that you have these specific longings that will not be fulfilled is so miserable.

I know healing and restoration will come with time. But right now I'm in a season where "with time," things are actually getting harder and more grueling.

I usually try to add some encouragement to my posts... but right now, let me just sulk for a moment. I'll end with this little song by one of my favorites, Ben Rector. It's a cute song filled with a lot of truth called "Life Keeps Moving On" - CLICK HERE (I can't embed it for some reason).

"This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."


31 comments:

  1. You are free to sulk... & grieve...
    My dad just lost his father & my dad is 68 ... I don't think you're ever too old or too young to not be overwhelmed with grief at the loss of a parent. Your parents are always a part of you & you never want them to leave you... ever... Still holding you & your family up in prayer as you get through each day.

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  2. I understand where you're coming from. My mom died when I was 15. We were not close and the circumstances have led to me not grieving a lot or feeling sad (sound horrible, but I to a point that I can't allow myself to feel guilty about it!). That said, this year I approach the point that I have lived half of my life without a mom. In another 5 years, I will see an age that she never did. While I don't miss her in my daily life, those two big things kind of send a jolt through me. Go ahead and sulk. Things may get worse before they're better...but you will survive and come out stronger on the other side. That I can promise you!

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    1. Greatly looking forward to the day when it all gets better. Time is a strange thing. It will be very odd to live longer than your mom did. And it will be odd when that day comes for me as well.

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  3. your words are EXACTLY how I feel. I'm 36 and just lost my mom, my BEST friend, 3 months ago to cancer.
    Did I mention I DETEST Cancer?

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    1. Oh I hate hate hate cancer. Such an evil disease and the epitome of the curse of sin.

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  4. I have been exactly where you are and I know all too well how you are feeling. I lost my Mom, my best friend, 2 days before my 40th birthday from Cancer and life was never the same. I know everybody keeps telling you that time heals, it does, but it takes time. You are blessed, as I was, to have loving people around you that will help you along the way.

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    1. Yes, so thankful for all the love and support surrounding me every single day!

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  6. One day, One minute, One Youth Ministry Kiddo at a time....... Embracing the grief and sulking stinks, but unfortunately grief is cyclical. Joy comes tomorrow... I promise. :) My love and prayers are being sent over this worldwide web.

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    1. Yes, one moment at a time. Thanks for your prayers.

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  7. Oh, Jordan I can only imagine the loss you are feeling. I was 56 when my Mom died and I felt way too young, so I know you feel very short changed. The Lord will change your mourning into joy a day at a time and you will make your Mom so proud as you go forth as she would want you to do. Hugs to you!

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    1. Thank you for your encouraging words, Lea. I'm so looking forward to that joy!

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  8. Jordan, you are doing so great!! of course you miss your precious mom, and you should! I know she is worth every second of the missing her! it is not fair, and not right that she is not here on earth with you, and yes, I know God allowed this for some reason, but He is grieving for you, too. He did not want you to have to spend all these years ahead without your mom. 27 years ago my beautiful little niece, not quite 4 years old, and who meant the world to me, got sick and died. I spent years thinking "not really. not her and NOT NOW!!!" and of course it was a million times worse for my sister, her mama. I also would feel like the world had gone crazy because people were going about their business, working, stopping to buy milk, going to movies, as if our world hadn't crashed apart - even tho I was in that same grocery store picking up milk, too. I think we go a little nuts, and praise God, He can take it when we think crazy thoughts. He was faithful, even when I didn't feel Him, He was still there. He caused me to put one foot in front of the other, and keep going. He gave my sister the ability to "pretend" she was sort of ok, so that she could mostly get through her days, and then realize that she HAD made it through another day. Sorry this is so long, but please know I have been and will continue to pray for you. Love in Christ Jesus to you and your family.

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    1. It's always encouraging to hear how others have made it through such devastating losses, reminding me that I, too, will make it through. Thank you for your prayers!

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  9. I've followed your mom's blog for months after seeing it on kellyskornerblog, and I know that you don't know me but I wanted to write you a quick message! My mom passed away from CLL (a type of leukemia) in April 2013. She was 67 years old and my best friend. I'm 30 years old, and have 2 young boys (4yrs and 1yr) and to think about living the rest of my life without her is overwhelming at times. I think the ONLY thing that keeps me going everyday is my kids, and making sure I'm there and in the moment for them. I miss her terribly, and theres not an hour that goes by that I don't think of her. The longer its been, and the more time that has passed certainly has made each day easier to get through..but in a way it is much harder...because you are right, the reality is: they are gone. What I wouldn't give to have another hug, or to pick up the phone one more time to hear her voice. I just felt lead to send you a message and let you know that I know how you are feeling and I'm praying for you!!!

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    1. I'm sorry to hear of the loss of your mom as well. I so hate the diseases in this world that take the ones we love most. Thank you so much for your prayers.

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  10. Grief is such a long and difficult journey. You are so new and fresh in your loss. It is a wonderful JOY to have the hope of seeing our loved one again in heaven and we Do rejoice in that knowledge. But the reality is also that our human heart hurts, BAD, for a long time. It's been 3 years since I lost my husband and though the pain is not so surface, the hurt in my heart is not so debilitating and the days are filled with life, I still have times that I miss him more than I feel like I can deal with. My words of love are to Rejoice during the good times and 'allow' yourself the times of grief you need. There is NO timetable for grief, no right or wrong way to grieve, and although we desire to walk through our grief process with grace, there will be times we just Need to let the pain out. I am praying for you and your family as you walk the journey ahead and find peace in the Lord's presence. Bless You!

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    1. Thank you for your kind words and for your prayers. They are so appreciated!!

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  11. Hi Jordan,
    I'm sorry very sorry you are going to have to live you're life without your mom, she seemed like an incredible woman. I lost my mom when I was 17 to colon cancer so. We are in the same terrible club. I know right now you are reeling with pain and I never thought I'd get to see the day that I didn't ache for her constantly but here I am at 34 and the ache has gotten much better. I was okay having my son without her there but I believe she was there in spirit. I believe she had her hand on a very difficult delivery and our son was spared. I miss her terribly at times and want to call her but I can't. You know shortly after her death, my Dad began using her cell phone and got rid of his. This helped when I wanted to call her number. It might help you all if your Dad was able to do the same. You don't have to erase her in your phone just add Dad by her name. Those kind of things along with counseling helped me.

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    1. Thank you for sharing your story. I love hearing how others have "made it through" such difficult times. 17 is so, so young. I can't imagine. I really can't. I already think about when the day comes that I find out I'm pregnant. I will want my momma right next to me. But I know the Lord's grace will be there when the time comes.
      I still have my mom's number saved in my phone on my "favorites" list. I don't see myself getting rid of it for a long time. My mom and I worked together for 3 years, and I took over where her work mailbox once was, and I left her name tucked behind mine. Somehow that made me feel a little better. Funny little things like that help.
      Thanks for sharing :)

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  12. It's its a marathon and it will hurt for a long time but one day the burden will feel a little lighter and you'll be able to do things that you never knew you had the strength for. If you ever want to talk I will be here for you. I know we are strangers but as a fellow girl with a Momma Angel, I'm here for you and will continue to pray for y'all.
    Martha

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    1. Thank you for your prayers, Martha. I can't tell you how much I (and my whole family) feel them!

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  13. I happened upon your mom's blog well over a year ago. I have prayed for her and now pray for you. I happened to be off work the day of your mom's service and I watched as it was streamed. I cried, for I saw the love that she had for everyone and that same love everyone had for her. You see, that was me nine years ago. At 22, I had to say good-bye to my mom. Ten months to the day and my life suddenly took a different path than I ever had imagined. I know what you are going through, I feel every word as if it were my own. I completely understand that "with time", things don't get easier...first, things get hard, and then, well, they just get different. Please know I am praying for you as you walk this new road. I can tell you, as you know, that God is good! He sees each tear that falls, He hears the cries of your heart. "Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning"...joy will come, it will come in waves...things that you'd never expect will turn your mourning into dancing. Cling to His truth, take the time to grieve whenever those moments come, because just around the corner is an overwhelming sense of joy and blessing. You are in my thoughts an prayers!
    ~Krista~

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    1. Krista, thank you for your kind words. Thank you for taking the time to encourage me on this road. I cried this morning as I thought about my mom, and while I was crying I was thinking of how God was collecting each of those tears in His bottle. He is such a good God, even in these hard times.

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  14. I totally agree, Jordan. I lost my oldest son, age 29 just last March. I am 57 and it is hard to believe I will never see him again, hear his voice or feel his hugs. The last hug was in February..right before we moved from CT to FL. That was the last time I saw him alive. Some days, it just hits me...he is gone.

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    1. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Sometimes the pain is unreal. I'm trusting the Lord's grace will be enough for you as it has been for me and my family.

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  15. Understanding the fog and the unfairness of life... but praying that you continue to feel the comfort and refuge in our Lord and Savior and know that even though the path seems too hard to walk... you are not alone. Time has a way of passing by and no, it does not EVER get easier, it just gets different. One day at a time...

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    1. Thank you for your prayers, Brittany. We couldn't make it through without all the prayers!

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  16. Jordan, I so very sorry for your loss. I lost my Mom in August of 2012 very unexpectedly. It is not fair that we are sisters in this club. The first year for me was a blur. It was still setting in that she was gone. I would find something I thought she would like & go to call her only to realize that she would not be there to take my call. I will continue to keep your family in my thoughts & prayers. Thank you for sharing your journey & your Mom with us.

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