Oh man, too bad I can't title another post "Roller Coaster"... If I did, I'm sure I would have another 100 posts with this same title, because I've taken a sharp turn since my last post. Reality... really... stinks.
We had our first youth service this past Wednesday night. The last time we all met together was back in December - we were out for 2 weeks because of the holidays, but on top of that we've had a ton of snow and ice, so it seems like forever since we've been together like this. It was really great to finally be back with all our students. The first Wednesday of every month we have an event called FUEL - we bring in a band and a speaker every month. Our speaker for the past two years has been ED NEWTON, and he has become like family to us! I'm going to put a little plug out there for him - and this is totally free. If you are looking for someone to speak at an upcoming event, Ed is your guy! He is very engaging and so full of the Holy Spirit and Scripture. Book Ed. Seriously.
At Fuel this month, we talked about the "Reality of Heaven" because of recent events happening with my mom. We played the first half of her memorial video again. I had a harder time watching it at Fuel than I did at her Celebration Service. Something about hearing her spoken of in past tense from a stage in front of hundreds of people, makes all this more real. More real and yet so wrong feeling. Hearing the words, "Janet went to be with the Lord on December 26th," to me is like What?! No! That's not really her you're talking about.
So Wednesday (although really good and such a blessing to hear even more how my mom has impacted other peoples' lives) was like a catalyst for this terrible reality to sink in more.
I'm only 25 years old. In one sense it's like yes, I'm an adult. I am married. I have a job. I pay bills. I cook, and I clean my house (which really isn't my house, but we're living in it for a couple years like long-term house sitting and a huge blessing - I'll have to get into that at another time), I have a budget, I do laundry for two people... I do all these things that adults do. But then in another sense...
I am only 25.
If I live the average life span, I could easily have another 50 years ahead of me. I've only lived maybe a third of my life, and the rest will be without my mom. This isn't just a short season for me.
Missing someone is a terrible feeling. It's like this constant aching feeling in your heart that can only be filled with seeing that very person. I think about when my husband and I first started dating. We lived 4 hours away from each other, and at times it felt like he was on the other side of the world. I hated telling him goodbye each time he had to go back to school. I missed him. But I always had the hope that I would see him in two weeks. Sure enough, two weeks would pass, and that longing to see him was fulfilled. And then I would miss him again. And then I would see him again - longing fulfilled. I think everyone can relate to this feeling. We've all missed someone in our lifetime whether that be a best friend, your boyfriend or girlfriend, your family, a pet, anyone. And when you finally get to see that person again, it's like an explosion of joy and you get fueled up a little bit until the next time you get to see them. A boost to keep you going.
But now I have this feeling of missing my mom. This aching feeling that can only be filled with seeing her again. And when I realize that I am only 25, and she has only been gone for 3 weeks,
50 years feels absolutely and completely unbearable. None of this short term waiting. No explosion of joy to fuel me up until I see her again. No boost to keep me going.
That longing to see her will never be fulfilled so long as I am on this earth. I will always miss her. Yes, I know, "It will get better with time," "It won't hurt so much." Great. But nothing will ever change the fact that I will always miss her. Right now it feels like a gaping wound in my heart that keeps getting ripped further and further open. Gruesome, I know. But it's how I feel.
I even think about back to when I so longed to get married and meet "the one." Struggling with singleness and loneliness. But I always had hope that God would bring me my husband and that longing would be fulfilled. But how do you bear with a longing that you know will not be fulfilled so long as you are on this earth???
I want to see my mom.
I want to hug my mom.
I want to pick up my phone and call her.
I want to laugh with my mom again.
Knowing that you have these specific longings that will not be fulfilled is so miserable.
I know healing and restoration will come with time. But right now I'm in a season where "with time," things are actually getting harder and more grueling.
I usually try to add some encouragement to my posts... but right now, let me just sulk for a moment. I'll end with this little song by one of my favorites, Ben Rector. It's a cute song filled with a lot of truth called "Life Keeps Moving On" - CLICK HERE (I can't embed it for some reason).
"This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."