I know the Lord was gracious in leading up to these days. The last few months of my mom's life, her body declined pretty quickly. She wasn't able to be at work very often. It was a really hard process to watch, and it was almost miserable being there without her, knowing she was sick at home, but looking back now, I know God was preparing Hutch (my boss/student pastor) and I for these very days without her. We've already had to learn how to manage things that she normally took care of, and so today I can say I am thankful for those difficult days. I was so angry and confused while it was happening, but now I can see the purpose behind it. If she had been feeling well and was working until her final day, our worlds would be even more upside down and shattered than they already are. He was preparing us for such a time as this.
I started grief counseling yesterday. I went today, will go again tomorrow, and three times next week. My first two sessions have been good so far. A good outlet to help me process even more. I was able to recognize a potential speed bump today - the Lord helped me realize it. I'm so thankful for this opportunity, and I look forward to continuing on in the sessions.
There is a sermon series that Rick Warren and his wife recently did after they lost their son. It is called "How to Get Through What You're Going Through." Tony and I had talked about getting together as a family and listening to them one night a week. The Lord confirmed that's exactly what we need to do when my counselor mentioned the very same sermon series. I love when He works like that! You can find the sermon series here. (You will have to scroll down in the column on the right - make sure the "all" tab is selected.)
I've had a couple of breakdowns between yesterday and today. My heart is very tender, and it's crazy how the emotion will overwhelm you unexpectedly. I ran into a "trigger" today, something that would seem so small and insignificant to others, but was a big deal to me and hard to swallow - just another reality check that yes, this is really happening. She's gone.
There was an instant today (I don't even remember what it was now), but my immediate response was that I wanted to pick up my phone and text my mom, but was quickly met with the realization that I can't. Those moments are so disheartening and leave such an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Everyday brings new emotions, new thoughts, new experiences and new mercies. I'm so thankful for His mercy. He is all that is carrying us through.
"For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence
for my hope is from him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
On God rests my salvation and my glory;
my mighty rock, my refuge is God.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your heart before him;
God is a refuge for us."