Thursday, June 18, 2015

My Desperate Need for Jesus

Motherhood is hard.

If you could tie a ball and chain to each of those words and toss them into the bottom of the ocean, it still wouldn't adequately express the weight of that sentence.

And then add on top of that the phrase "life is hard."


I keep learning the same lesson over and over and over again lately. I find myself saying, "Oh man, this is harder than I thought it was going to be," or "this is taking longer than I thought it was going to."

I've said those things in the context of some very minor things like...
Packing up the house.
How long it was going to take to make dinner.
Getting things together to go on a short kayak trip (that didn't end up happening).
Moving a set of lockers into Hank's room.
Ugh, the list goes on...

I tend to expect that things are going to be easy. And because of that, when things are harder than I expect, I get angry, I give up, and I quit. It's an embarrassingly childish trait that I possess.

When it comes to small things like trying to learn calligraphy (as a "lefty") or signing up for Netflix, it's not really a huge deal. But when it comes to life and motherhood... yeah... that's a whole different story.

Yesterday I wanted to throw in the towel.

The problem is... You can't quit life. And you can't quit being a mom.

I did "quit" in my own way though. I chose to boycott happiness and hope. I pouted. All day. I didn't do any housework. I sat on my booty any chance I got. And I drank a lot of coffee. Let's just say yesterday was one to forget.

In these past 5 and a half months, I've seen a side of myself I never knew existed. I won't go into the details because it's quite humiliating. Humiliating. Yes. Motherhood is the most humbling thing I've ever experienced. I used to think I was a pretty "good person".... After being a mom and not sleeping for 5 and half months, I've seen otherwise.

I now see my desperate need for Jesus and His grace.

I see how broken I am. I see how weak I am. I see my insufficiency to love unconditionally, and in the midst of that, I have a hard time comprehending His unconditional love for me.

I missed my mom deeply yesterday. I wanted to ask her what it was like when she first became a mom. Did she have melt downs like I do? Did she walk into the bathroom and scream into a towel at the top of her lungs like I've done? I can't imagine her doing those things. She seemed to me to be a walking picture of peace and grace. Oh I wish I could call her and just hear her voice.

I hate that I sound like Pessimistic Patty here. I'm really okay. Life is good. But life is also hard. That's just where I'm at right now. I love my son, and I love being his momma. He really does bring me so much joy, but he also brings out a side of me that I wish didn't exist. It's crazy how those two things can go hand-in-hand.

I really just need Jesus. Every moment of every day. I realize that more than ever now.

"This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."


  1. Becoming a mother taught me to need Jesus in a whole new way. I am thankful for His grace everyday. I have daughters that are 9 and 6 and I have the occasional meltdown too. I can only imagine how much you miss your mom.

  2. Bless your heart, motherhood is the hardest job on earth at times. And, not having your Mom there to help you bear your burdens just adds insult to injury. Thinking of you and wishing you God's best!

  3. I love this post. I have three girls, 5 1/2 and under. While I love them and enjoy being their momma, it is so stinkin hard. Jesus. We need more of Jesus!!!!!

  4. We Moms are so tough on ourselves. It is an overwhelming job to be tasked with raising a child; it's not all sunshine and rainbows. Humiliating is a great way to describe it. I am not the Mom I thought I would be; in both good and bad ways. Remind yourself you're doing the best you can; give yourself grace on those bad days. I'm sorry your Mom isn't just a phone call away but I can assure you she would let you know you're not alone and she too had those days. Scream into the towel when you need to! I will say one of the things that has made this roller coaster ride much less stressful are my two best mom friends. They are in the trenches with me; they can relate to my craziness and let me call and vent to them and say mean things that I don't mean and don't judge me. I return the favor and we all feel a little less crazy and a little less stressed. I can't imagine if they weren't around. Hang in there and just know you're not alone.