"How are you?" is probably the hardest question for me to answer right now - which is horrible considering it just so happens to be the question that gets tossed around out of "politeness" without actually wanting to hear peoples' genuine response. It's the question you ask people as you pass them in the grocery store without stopping to actually carry on a conversation. It's the question you ask that you really don't want an honest response to - if we're all being honest here.
And can I keep being honest? It's the question I
wish people wouldn't ask me unless they're prepared to carry on at least
a 5- or 10-minute conversation. I hate lying when I answer this question. And
I try not to lie, so I typically answer with, "I'm okay," or "I'm
alright," which is kind of true because if I'm in a position where I'm
out in public running into people it must mean I'm "okay" enough to be
standing there carrying on a somewhat normal conversation. What I'd really like to say is, "Well, I'm really struggling to keep a good perspective on life at the moment. I'm really struggling to try and not focus on things that are seen, but those things tend to blind me and suffocate me at times. I miss my mom more than I could ever put into words. Nothing seems right without her here, and I'm still pretty angry that she isn't here. There's a huge gaping hole in my heart. But.....I'm still getting through it. So I guess I'm okay." So instead of saying that mouthful because I know people don't really want to hear it or they would feel awkward if I spouted all that off, I settle with the last two words - "I'm okay." It just makes things easier I guess....for whoever is asking.
I'm not trying to sound cynical. I realize "how are you" is just part of our culture. I'm guilty of throwing it around, too. But when you're in a place where you can't easily answer "good," you just notice it more.
So anyway, today is the last day of March. Which means tomorrow I head back to work.
This has been a good month for me. I have enjoyed having the freedom to do with my days as I please. I have loved going to the gym and taking care of myself physically. Zumba is a new favorite of mine! I have enjoyed sitting down and listening to sermons about God's purpose in suffering. The Lord has begun to speak some beautiful truths into my spirit.
But as March has been coming to a close, I have felt anxiety bubbling up inside of me, slowly creeping its way into the corners of my mind and sucking away the joy that is so desperately trying to peek through. My mind is like a war zone. I know good is coming. I know joy isn't just reserved for the happy times in life - I can have joy now, but it's still so hard.
Each new day requires so much effort...
mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally.
And for that, I still feel so tired.
I was talking to my husband the other night, sorting through some different thoughts and emotions. It was one of those moments when all I could see were all the things I currently hate so much about life - which, honestly, is a really long list... Through talking to him, I realized how much I loved the approval of my mom. She was my biggest fan. She was my motivation for so many activities in my life. She was the one I wanted to show all of my latest projects. I was such a momma's girl. Was... No. I still am a momma's girl.
My mom was the person I loved most in this world. And when the person you love most is taken from you, it makes it really hard to want to stay here. I've never wanted heaven more than I do now.
I don't know how to end this post. I'm having a hard time gathering all my thoughts today.
I could talk about how I'm struggling to be content in this season.
I could talk about how I'm still struggling to fight for joy.
I could talk about how I'm afraid people are going to think, "Okay,
she's had a month off. She should be good now," and forget that I'm
still so broken and fragile.
I could talk about how my mind feels completely blank and yet frazzled at the same time right now.
I could try to wrap this all up in to a pretty package and make things seem a little better than they really are - which I honestly was hoping I could conclude the month of March with a great uplifting post. But reality is, she's only been gone for 3 months, and I don't have to be okay right now.
But if I wrote about all those things, this post would turn into a novel.
And I don't have the energy to do that.
I still need time, and I still need prayers. Thank you to everyone who has been praying for me. I will say this month hasn't been for nothing. It has been very good and much needed, but I'm not ashamed to say that there is still a lot of healing that still needs to take place. And I guess, as much as I hate to say it, the only medicine for that is time. More time and more grace.
"This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."