Wednesday, August 10, 2016

What If He Doesn't

I don't have any updates on Lucy yet. Our next ultrasound will be next Friday, August 19th at UAMS in Little Rock. We are specifically praying that God will heal her heart and that we will see a miracle at that appointment and the doctors will be utterly confused and amazed!

As we have had more time to process Lucy's diagnosis, I find myself, for the most part, having peace and fully trusting God and His healing power. But I would by lying if I said paralyzing fear never creeps in. It is a daily battle. And some days, it has been a losing battle on my end.

This waiting period is so difficult. It's hard not to let my mind wonder to the moment when she is born and let all the scary, potential outcomes play out. I so desperately long for our baby girl to be born fully healed with a heart that functions at 100%. I believe God can do it.

My biggest fear is, "What if He doesn't?"

This is my biggest fear because this is the road I've been walking since December 2013 - when my family and I entered into the "What if He doesn't?" When we prayed and prayed and begged for healing for my mom from cancer. We knew He could do it. But He didn't.

My walk with the Lord has been a struggle ever since. Yes, as time has gone on, the day-to-day has gotten, I guess, "easier." But I still struggle with lies straight from the stupid enemy.

I would say that, yes, for the most part my heart has continued to heal. Truth prevails more than the lies. I know God is good. I know God is faithful. I believe and I proclaim that He works all things together for our good and for His glory. I know He loves me. I know He hasn't forgotten about me.

But sometimes, those truths are still so hard to proclaim. This road I have been walking without my mom still knocks the breath out of me at times. I still collapse on the floor (literally) at times and sob from missing her so painfully and so deeply. I'm not through the fire yet.

So this fear of "What if He doesn't" has the potential to absolutely cripple me.

I want God to show Himself powerful. I want Him to show that He is still in the business of miracles and healing. And I want this so badly because I fear for myself how I will respond if He doesn't.

I'm already so weary. So broken and tired. And to find myself in a place of praying for another miracle has the potential to open so many wounds (and at times it does open those wounds).

I cry out to God as His daughter. I beg Him to look upon me with mercy and compassion. To relent from this fire. I beg and I plead with Him to give me and my family rest from trials as He did for Jehoshaphat in 2 Chronicles 20:30 - "So the realm of Jehoshaphat was quiet, for his God gave him rest all around." He IS a good, good Father. He delights in blessing His children with good.

This may be a silly example, but just as I begged and begged and begged my parents to get me a puppy when I was 12. Even the fallen, sinful humans that they are, they gave me the puppy I so desired. I come to God in this same way. I beg and I beg and I beg Him, as His daughter, to heal my baby girl's heart. He is good - so far beyond what we can think or imagine. He is good. Oh, how I plead with Him to please heal Lucy's heart. This is our desire.

Please, as you continue to pray for healing for Lucy's heart, I ask you to pray for my heart as well. For strength each and every single day. For God to calm my fears. To rest in Him. To not let my thoughts wonder into tomorrow, but to stay in today.

Thank you for your prayers.

12 comments:

  1. Your words resonated in my soul, as I too have felt the same fears and doubts that you speak of, and yet at the same time, wanting always to believe and trust and have faith. It is a very hard road at times to travel, I totally agree. My situation is totally different from yours but with the same outcome in my heart and mind, if that makes any sense. I will pray for you and your sweet girl, Lucy. I too hope that he will show you the miracle that we all know he can do. I don't know you, and you don't know me...but I'm sending you lots of hugs! Stay strong...you can do this.

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  2. Yes I know without a doubt our great God can heal Lucy's heart and that us my prayer. He formed us in the womb and he can fix this heart issue!! I pray nothing else other than pleading for full restoration of lil Lucy's heart. My prayers are with you each evening.

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  3. Yes I know without a doubt our great God can heal Lucy's heart and that us my prayer. He formed us in the womb and he can fix this heart issue!! I pray nothing else other than pleading for full restoration of lil Lucy's heart. My prayers are with you each evening.

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  4. I know our God can completely heal. I pray for healing for Lucy's heart but if that is not His will then I pray that He will guide the doctors and nurses and bring peace and comfort to you.

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  5. I know our God can completely heal. I pray for healing for Lucy's heart but if that is not His will then I pray that He will guide the doctors and nurses and bring peace and comfort to you.

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  6. My heart hurts for you and your entire family; I can relate in many ways on "how has my life come to this?". There is absolutely NO DOUBT that God can heal your sweet baby but His will be done not ours. The hardest part of being human is seeing God's hand in our incredible pain and suffering. You are being prepared for your future and your voice will be used to proclaim God's mighty love of grace and mercy regardless of the outcome of Lucy's birth. Along with Lucy's healing, I pray for your peace, healing, and strength. This is a bump in life's journey, albeit a huge bump, you will be victorious. Love from a stranger.

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    1. that one sentence doesn't read the way it should; it needs a few words added..The hardest part of being human is being able to see God's hand in our incredible pain and suffering.

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  7. Praying for His peace that passes all understanding.

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  8. Praying from here in the UK, that the order of heaven will prevail against the chaos of the world, and that peace will flow from that. Praying most of all for HEALING! Amen and amen.

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  9. Praying for you & for sweet Lucy. I understand the fear and worry you spend everyday with- my daughter was also diagnosed 2 congenital heart defects- 1 we were expecting that would require immediate surgery before she went home. We had tried for so long to get pregnant and I could not believe that God would finally give us the baby we had prayed so long for and then allow her to not be healthy. I will never forget the moment when the cardiologist did her first echo at about 6 hours old- he turned and looked at me and said "do you see this?". Even I could tell that it looked better than what we had seen in fetal echos. She still has the 2 defects but neither has been symptomatic and continue to get better as she grows. I am praying for that same moment for you- I know that I feared her birth because I was so scared to hear the news. But mostly I am praying for peace for you, that no matter what happens, you will feel peace and be covered with grace. And that you will feel your sweet Mama with you every step of the way.

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  10. I was happy to see a new post on your blog as I have often wondered about you when I am reading Kelly's blog. However, I had no idea of the new struggle that God has entrusted you with and am praying anew that He will reveal Himself to you even more in these days. He knows the future and has a perfect plan for your family. For your encouragement, I am recommending the blog of a friend who shares what God is teaching her as her daughter battles cancer. tracinghisgoodness.wordpress.com

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