Friday, January 30, 2015
One Month and God's Mercy
How in the world is my little boy already a month old?! It went by entirely too fast! He is such a joy to my heart, and I couldn't ask for a better baby. God has been so gracious to me with this little guy. I am thankful that the Lord knows our hearts, and He knows what we can handle.
I want to back up a little bit and retrace some fears I was struggling with before Hank was born and then tell you how the Lord so faithfully took care of me. But first, here is some more back-story on how my pregnancy was really treating me near the end.
As my due date was approaching, I couldn't help but envision how my labor and delivery would pan out. I was planning on a natural birth with no epidural. My husband and I had hired a doula to help coach us through labor, and we were as prepared as could be for the big day - whenever that might be. We even practiced breathing exercises at home in a pretty humorous way. David would hold a pound of frozen meat to the bottom of my foot for 45 seconds and make me relax and breathe through it. I guess I should say pretty humorous to everyone....but me.
The further I got into my third trimester, the more and more miserable I became. My body kept trying to go into labor, but it would never progress. I found myself at the hospital twice, at 33 and 36 weeks, but nothing came of it. I fought contractions a third time (the Saturday before Hank was actually born) but decided not to go to the hospital until we knew it was for sure the real thing... and it never was. Oh boy, I was so miserable and done.
I'm so thankful I had a prenatal appointment already scheduled for that Monday. I was 37 weeks and 3 days along at this point. As you may have read in my previous post, this was when we heard Hank's heart rate at a sky-high 220. When the doctor came in and told me I was going to have a baby that day and that it would probably be a c-section, I was honestly jumping for joy inside. Was I thrilled about the c-section part? Absolutely not. Was I so ready to get this baby out of me and finally meet my little boy? Yes, yes, yes, a thousand times YES! I could not have been happier!
This is where I feel like the Lord was completely sovereign in sparing my heart the fears, events and emotions I dreaded most. You see, two and four years ago, my sister-in-law allowed me and my mom to be in the room with her when she gave birth to my two precious nephews. During these two encounters I was able to witness my mom cheering Jenna along through labor and delivery. I saw the joy she experienced and the pride she exuded as she met her grand babies for the first time. I saw the love in her eyes as she gazed on their little faces. I heard her whisper in their tiny ears, "G-ma loves you very much."
My heart ached as I tried to imagine my own labor and delivery without my mom by my side. She wouldn't be there to cheer me along. She wouldn't be one of the family members to hold Hank and get her picture taken as we passed him around the room. I wouldn't be able to hear her whisper in his ear, "G-ma loves you very much." Somehow I knew the hospital room would feel so empty without her there by my side to rejoice with me. I wasn't sure how I would be able to handle the extreme emotions of sheer joy at meeting my little boy and deep sorrow at her absence.
All these things I feared... I didn't have to encounter a single one. My birth experience went in no way, shape or form as planned. It was nothing like my sweet sister-in-law's. There was no comparing between mine and hers. No envisioning what it would have been like if my mom would have been there. It was an entirely new experience.
You see, I was wheeled to my hospital room at lightening speed, hooked up to IV's and strapped to an oxygen mask. Pretty soon I was in an operating room. Moments later I was waking up back in my hospital room. There was no longer a baby in my belly, and I was on some really great pain meds! My brand new little boy was in the NICU. There was no passing him around the room and ooh-ing and ahh-ing over him. I didn't even get to see him for the first time until hours later, and even then, I still didn't get to hold him. Before I knew it he was boarding a helicopter and flying 3 hours away from me. I had to wait two gut-wrenching (ha, no pun intended for my incision) days before I could finally hold that little love of mine.
Some might see total chaos and a complete disaster in this story. I see God's mercy written all over it. He spared me all my fears, and it was exactly what my faint heart needed. I needed something so out of the ordinary. I needed my plans to go out the window. I needed to not be able to compare my birth story with Jenna's. I needed my own story. Something entirely new. And that's what He gave me. I didn't know that was what I needed, but He knew, and I am so thankful.
This past month has been quite the whirlwind, but it's been a really great one. It's been hard figuring out my new "normal" and trying to establish a routine. Ha, wait.... what even is a routine??? I'll be honest and say my consistency with the Lord has wavered, but my love for Him hasn't. I'm thankful He is still so faithful to me when I am struggling to accomplish anything past feeding Hank and keeping up with my own personal hygiene. I am thankful He is patient with me and remembers that I am but dust as I work through balancing life in this new season. He is too good to me, really.
Thank you to everyone for all the prayers, meals, love and encouragement that have been sent our way. The Streets are blessed beyond measure!
"This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."