Motherhood is hard.
If you could tie a ball and chain to each of those words and toss them into the bottom of the ocean, it still wouldn't adequately express the weight of that sentence.
And then add on top of that the phrase "life is hard."
I keep learning the same lesson over and over and over again lately. I find myself saying, "Oh man, this is harder than I thought it was going to be," or "this is taking longer than I thought it was going to."
I've said those things in the context of some very minor things like...
Packing up the house.
How long it was going to take to make dinner.
Getting things together to go on a short kayak trip (that didn't end up happening).
Moving a set of lockers into Hank's room.
Ugh, the list goes on...
I tend to expect that things are going to be easy. And because of that, when things are harder than I expect, I get angry, I give up, and I quit. It's an embarrassingly childish trait that I possess.
When it comes to small things like trying to learn calligraphy (as a "lefty") or signing up for Netflix, it's not really a huge deal. But when it comes to life and motherhood... yeah... that's a whole different story.
Yesterday I wanted to throw in the towel.
The problem is... You can't quit life. And you can't quit being a mom.
I did "quit" in my own way though. I chose to boycott happiness and hope. I pouted. All day. I didn't do any housework. I sat on my booty any chance I got. And I drank a lot of coffee. Let's just say yesterday was one to forget.
In these past 5 and a half months, I've seen a side of myself I never knew existed. I won't go into the details because it's quite humiliating. Humiliating. Yes. Motherhood is the most humbling thing I've ever experienced. I used to think I was a pretty "good person".... After being a mom and not sleeping for 5 and half months, I've seen otherwise.
I now see my desperate need for Jesus and His grace.
I see how broken I am. I see how weak I am. I see my insufficiency to love unconditionally, and in the midst of that, I have a hard time comprehending His unconditional love for me.
I missed my mom deeply yesterday. I wanted to ask her what it was like when she first became a mom. Did she have melt downs like I do? Did she walk into the bathroom and scream into a towel at the top of her lungs like I've done? I can't imagine her doing those things. She seemed to me to be a walking picture of peace and grace. Oh I wish I could call her and just hear her voice.
I hate that I sound like Pessimistic Patty here. I'm really okay. Life is good. But life is also hard. That's just where I'm at right now. I love my son, and I love being his momma. He really does bring me so much joy, but he also brings out a side of me that I wish didn't exist. It's crazy how those two things can go hand-in-hand.
I really just need Jesus. Every moment of every day. I realize that more than ever now.
"This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."