I'm still moving in this process, but the Lord is slowly bringing me to a place of acceptance. I am finally realizing that the fighting and the flailing and the asking questions and the demanding answers and the anger and the frustration are all so exhausting. Wouldn't it be much better to simply surrender? I think I finally want to throw my hands up and just say, "I'm done." I'm done fighting and flailing. I'm done demanding answers. I'm done clawing at the dirt. I want to wash my hands, remove all the dirt from under my fingernails, and just lay down at His feet. I just want to rest.
I can't say it any better than Phillip Keller in his book, A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23:
Again and again I remind myself, "O God, this seems terribly tough, but I know for a fact that in the end it will prove to be the easiest and gentlest way to get me onto higher ground." Then when I thank him for the difficult things, the dark days, I discover that He is there with me in my distress. At that point my panic, my fear, my misgivings give way to calm and quiet confidence in His care. Somehow, in a serene quiet way I am assured all will turn out for my best because He is with me in the valley and things are under His control.
To come to this conviction in the Christian life is to have entered into an attitude of quiet acceptance of every adversity. It is to have moved onto higher ground with God. Knowing Him in this new and intimate manner makes life much more bearable than before.
A quiet acceptance of every adversity. This is one of the biggest things I have had to learn the past couple of weeks. I've found that I have had pretty high (aka normal) expectations of what I thought life should look like.
I thought my mom and Tony would grow old together.
I thought my mom would be with me when I give birth to our first baby.
I thought my mom would be around to help me raise our baby.
I thought my mom and I would always be able to get pedicures together.
I thought my mom and I would always be able to share lunch together.
I thought my mom would be here. Period.
I guess I thought.... things would be easy.
Yes, those are only expectations that included my mom. My mom was a BIG part of my world. Without my mom here, life looks NOTHING like I ever imagined it to be. So with that being said, I've decided it really isn't worth it to get my panties in a wad when other things don't turn out the way I want.
I want to simply accept my lot in life and trust that God has it under His control.
My brain is so tired from writing this post. I have written and erased so many sentences and paragraphs trying to voice where exactly the Lord is leading me and what He is teaching me. I can't think anymore at the moment, so I'm going to wrap it up with a happy picture of my growing bump...
"This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."