Friday, December 26, 2014

One Year and Picture Overload

One year ago today I received the phone call. The one I knew was coming any day now. I was expecting it at any moment. It's hard to explain what I felt when I heard those words - "Your momma is with Jesus now." I didn't cry. It was almost like a relief. Like... Finally. She isn't suffering anymore. She's finally where she is supposed to be. But at the same time, I knew a tough road was ahead of us. I had no idea what to expect.

December 26th, 2013 was probably one of the strangest days of my life. You see, I had spent the two weeks leading up to that day right by mom's side soaking in every precious moment with her. Rubbing her feet, staring at her, watching her breathe, etching her smile into my mind, soaking in every bit of her I could get. We knew the end was near. We shared our hearts with her and told her everything our minds could think of to share with her before she passed. And as the end got closer and closer and as she slipped further and further away from us, the Lord had given us so much peace. A day or two before she passed, I remember gathering around her hospital bed praying and asking God to come and take her. We sang "Amazing Grace" together. We knew it was time.

Now she is gone. She's been with Jesus for an entire year. How has it already been a year? A year ago today, I couldn't imagine how in the world I could walk without her. I couldn't imagine how I could go to work without her. I couldn't imagine how I could laugh without her. I couldn't imagine how I could do life without her.

Looking back, I realize that I simply had to take it one day at a time. The Lord taught me what it means to not worry about tomorrow, but to simply live in today. That His grace is sufficient for today. And when tomorrow comes, His grace will be sufficient for tomorrow.

There were days and events that I worried about and dreaded over this past year. For instance, Mother's Day, my family's birthdays, my own birthday, youth events (because my mom and I worked together and were buddies during each event), Christmas Day, and now today. But each of those days and events, including today, the Lord's grace has been sufficient. Imagine that?! He promises us grace in His Word. And guess what? He delivers on that promise!

So yes, we've made it a year. By His grace alone. There were a lot of hard days and a lot of really good ones. I thought reaching a year would give some sort of relief like, "Whew! We did it! I think we can handle this now." ... But no. That's not the case. Yes, we've made it a year. But now there's another one ahead. Another year with some of the same obstacles and same days I dreaded before. But there will also be new obstacles. New ones that make me think, "I can't imagine how I'll do 'this' without her." The biggest of which being how in the world I will have and raise this baby without my momma by my side.

The day is drawing so near when my body will go into labor. Our little Hank could literally greet us any day now. I never imagined having my first child without my mom right by side. Holding my hand and cheering me along. I never imagined not being able to take a picture of her the first time she holds him. I never imagined having to lean on anyone else when it's time for all my questions and needing a little (or a lot of) extra help when I'm exhausted. I never imagined any of this.

I always thought when other families who have lost loved ones made it through their first year, that it must feel like some sort of accomplishment. Like a breath of fresh air that would somehow give them the motivation they need to continue on to the next. But now that I'm in that place of making it through year one, I realize... This doesn't feel like an accomplishment. There is no breath of fresh air to motivate me for year two, three and four. Today is simply another day. Another day of trusting in His grace. Not looking to tomorrow or the years that lie ahead. But trusting that when tomorrow comes, His grace will be there too.

I ask that you would continue to pray for me and my family. Just because year one is behind us doesn't mean this road is suddenly easier. For myself personally, I foresee some very difficult days ahead. I can't explain the wide range of emotions I am already dealing with. There is so much excitement and anticipation with our little Hank arriving so soon. But fear and sadness and grief have their fingers so tightly interlocked with all the excitement. I can't imagine that first moment I see his face and hold his tiny hands. But I also can't imagine not sharing that moment with my mom. How can my heart feel so whole and so ripped apart all in one moment? Again, these are my thoughts and feelings that creep into the days ahead. This is where I must stay in today.

I beg you for your prayers for year two. Just as I couldn't imagine year one without my mom, even more so I cannot imagine year two. I miss her more than words can say. I mean that so literally.


Please pray for us.

I was listening to some of my mom's favorite songs this morning and realized this song sums up this past year perfectly...

Okay switching gears. I realize I have been MIA for almost two months. I have no idea how to catch you up on what all has happened in November and December, so how about picture OVERLOAD??

Here we go...

First of all, I'm not even sure if I have officially announced little man's name yet, but we have settled on and ADORE Hank Carpenter Street. Hank is simply a name that we love, and Carpenter is David's Mom's maiden name. Love love love his name!! Woohoo!

So here is Hank's room (not entirely complete in the pictures, but close enough!)
Old vintage sports theme!

The three pictures next to the pogo stick are baby pictures of my mom. I LOVE this detail!

My awesome Studio 412 students showered me with TONS of diapers!!

We had some really wonderful maternity pictures done by a sweet friend of ours! I highly recommend Rhyanne Ketron Photography for your future photo shoot!

We had two great showers for our little Hank!
David's family

My twin nieces Kaitlyn (glasses) and Kimberly (stripes) and my SIL Jenna!

Some of my favorite people who threw me a fantastic shower!
Love you three with all my heart!
We are SO blessed!

Missed her so much that day.
Sweaty, pregnant girl standing in the fridge cooling off before the shower began! Ha!

David's church that he works for now also threw us such a sweet shower!

Loving this necklace that my SIL Anna gave me!
Getting pedicures with this sweet friend of mine! She is due 6 days before me with a little girl. So fun!
David and I painted this plate in anticipation for a fun family tradition we will soon begin. This plate will be used for all our kid's birthdays and other special days!

And a few growing bump pictures!!

I'm 37 weeks today, but no picture yet!

And last one... A new tradition that David and I plan to do every year...
Leaving poinsettias at my mom's grave Christmas Day (also her birthday) celebrating and remembering her beautiful life and lasting legacy.

"This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."